i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
