at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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