just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
