My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
