In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
