I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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