STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
