Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
