On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize