Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
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Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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