if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
