remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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