i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
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Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
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I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
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