In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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