Bitch is talking to much, howd u ever get her 2 shut up?
It's worth it.
How worth it?
Back door worth it
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Randomize
