I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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