I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.