I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
You're earring is so big in my mouth
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
