fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me