Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Where are you guys?
Drunk
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
