I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Randomize
