i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
