In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
