I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
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And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
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I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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