If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
