that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
