ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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