i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Barsexuality is the new black.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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