what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
cat food counts as protein by the way
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
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