1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
