At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Randomize
