I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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