alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
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