I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
