between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
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