she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Randomize
