Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Randomize
