Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
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