There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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