I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
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I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
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Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
that may or may not have been my penis.
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