Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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