so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
and i looked up. we had an audience...
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
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Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
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Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize