I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Randomize
