Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize