Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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