Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
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