This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
you would pick up someone in the library
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
