i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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