Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
