My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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