My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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