naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Randomize
