Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
