I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Randomize
