Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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