Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
