Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
