So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Randomize
